New Greggs pasty for Osborne

Greggs release ‘caviar and salmon roe mini-pasty’ in Chancellor’s honour

Stunned by the revelations that George Osborne could not recall the last time he had a Greggs’ pasty, Ken McMeikan, chief executive of Greggs, has announced a new range of high-end products to attempt to entice the Chancellor in.

The new range of takeaway food would be outside the average Greggs customer’s budget, clocking in between £20-80 depending on the size/filling and includes such culinary gems as the ‘caviar and salmon roe mini-pasty’.

A spokesman for Greggs said today:

“We couldn’t believe our George hasn’t had a pasty at Greggs in such a long time that he can’t even remember it.

‘In light of this, we’re happy to announce our new top-rate taxpayer ‘TT’ range in honour of his contribution so far as Chancellor of the Exchequer.”

The MP for Tatton could not be reached for comment.

Communists: China’s fuel is cheap. Look at UK

Under pressure due to rising fuel costs, China points at Britain’s prices

Increasing numbers of Chinese people are becoming aggravated by the price of petrol within the Middle Kingdom. Many point to the United States’ prices and complain that while China’s economy and the local population’s living standards have yet to catch up, fuel prices at often over 8RMB per litre outstrip the prices seen in America.

The Communist party came out fighting today, pointing at Britain and the EU:

‘Compared to the countries the PRC has recently overtaken in economic terms, you can see that China’s petrol price is hardly anything at all.

‘Look at Britain – this so-called capitalist free market economy has more tax on its fuel than the total price of petrol in China! This proves that the socialism with Chinese characteristics is working.

‘The European Union has no strong leadership, so their fuel prices are also higher than China. Chinese people always find something to complain about.’

European critics point to cheap cheese and wine within the EU to counter this line of argument. And human rights.


Osborne: Budget ‘just a bit of banter’

Chancellor states measures in the Budget were just a ruse.

Magic George

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, faced great criticism this week after announcing a number of controversial measures in his Budget. Lowering the top rate of tax and the ‘granny tax’ on pensions were the particular stand-out measures that caused the most indignation.

Many Opposition MPs were totally furious, with members of the Shadow Cabinet at pains to suggest that everything that anyone disagreed with was definitely totally wrong.

However, as NB understands, the Chancellor intends to announce great changes to the original statement on Monday. According to the pre-release of the speech, the Chancellor will say:

‘As someone who didn’t pay the top rate of tax until recently, I understand the concerns of the common man. Relax – the Budget was a political joke. To use modern vernacular, it was just a bit of banter.’

Many pensioners up and down the country are likely to be relieved at this news, although others stand to lose out instead as a result of Mr Osborne’s humorous volte-face.

The new measures are yet to be formally announced, but our sources at Tory HQ suggest seizure of banker assets and £20 ASDA coupons for all on lower incomes to be high on the agenda.



China wants ‘special relationship’

Terminology used by US&UK sparks Chinese hunt

With David Cameron’s grand reception in the United States recently, the Chinese propaganda authorities were left confused. Beyond a ‘close friend’ in former North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, China has few significant allies on the international scene.

While having a ‘long history’ and a ‘harmonious society’ were all well and good, many officials believe a high profile relationship like that between the leaders of the free world would be highly beneficial to China’s image at home and abroad, according to leaked e-mails released today.

The e-mails go on to suggest that the task may be challenging considering the ‘prevailing populist negative consensus’ among many European countries and their allies.

Giving little inclination as to who their target countries could be, we came up with our own list to help the Chinese authorities come to a decision.

Who could China have a special relationship with?

Former-Communist autocratic Russia is a prime candidate for inter-regional intimacy. Already close on areas of mutual interest and at the UN & only minor territorial disputes, Russia is firmly top of the list.

China is already Iran’s major customer and in return China looks favourably on it. Pros: Unable to seek other special friends soon. Cons: Impending military action could cut friendship short.

A significant Western statesman despite his size, Sarkozy seems very open to making new friends, e.g. Libya. However, human rights could get in the way & France being known to be difficult to trust in a crisis.

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